untold stories: wearing diapers at 19

Something I once hated about myself for being disabled was needing to wear diapers.

Because I was living at a time when I lost control of my body, I had to be cleaned by the CNAs. Although it wasn’t a very long period, it felt timeless. I lived in shame and guilt for over four months, and I could not bear to take care of myself. I was disgusted by how unhealthy I looked every single day and night, but all I could do was continue to let time pass by.

It is the unbearable embarrassment of calling them every time you need to be cleaned. Because there was no one else available, I once had 18-year-old CNAs clean my mess, and all I wanted to do was disappear. I couldn't stand the sight of young adults entering my room to either examine or clean me up, so I had to personally request no student workers at all.

Over the past two months, 24 hours a day, I simply couldn't walk myself to the bathroom nor could transfer myself from the wheelchair to the toilet at that time. Can you imagine what it feels like to get yourself in bed and have no ability to do anything, but wait for minutes to a few hours to get cleaned up? That is how it was for me.

As time progressed with few improvements in my health recovery, I was then transferred to a rehabilitation hospital. I was eventually being potty trained on the side as they slowly help me get back on track to the ability to walk again. But truthfully, there were several times when I had accidents during my therapy sessions.

To feel trapped in a body that doesn’t listen to you cannot only make you feel insane but as well as a loss of identity.

I was reading a manga called, “Boku no Hatsukoi o Kimi ni Sasagu," which is about a male character who has a heart illness, and I came across a page of him yelling at his parents about the embarrassment of wearing a diaper, it made me think about my past.