untold stories: the smile has left your eyes

November 13th, 2017

We all have those days when we feel empty, lost, or hopeless. A feeling that can be painful to endure when you no longer have the strength to fight it. When we feel hopeless, we lose motivation. When we feel empty, we feel lonely. And when we feel lost, we fear the road ahead of us.

We all may have different stories to share, but no one is ever alone in this pain.

As I may have mentioned in my other writings, I was hospitalized in three different facilities. During my stay at the first hospital, I was placed in the ICU (intensive care unit). There was never a day or night when I wasn't crying and screaming in pain. Despite how nice and spacious the room was, it felt suffocating enough so it was decided that I should get some fresh air each day in hopes to make me feel better. I remember leaving my room in a tilt-in-space wheelchair, covered with multiple blankets all over my body, and a catheter bag attached.

The moment I stepped out of my room, I saw a man, maybe in his late 30s in a power wheelchair, staring out the window, and having a peaceful moment to himself. But the more I stared at him, the more I became overwhelmed with my emotions. Suddenly, I burst out into tears once again, and my family immediately came to me with a worried look. All of them kept asking me questions, but I had a difficult time, trying to find the words to respond, so instead, I ended up shutting down as if I have become muted from there on.

But now that I’m writing about it, I want to share with you the things that crossed my mind.

I thought to myself that maybe he understood the pain I felt at that time. Maybe we understood each other very well without having to communicate. And maybe he understood where I was coming from. For the very first time, I kept thinking to myself that this must be the pain of what it feels like to lose control of your own body, what it feels like to feel trapped in a cage, and what it feels like to be disabled for once. And frankly, I felt a sense of jealousy towards him because he seemed calm and at peace.

- phurbu (revised 12/08/2022)