Here's to Surviving, Here's to Healing

Let me tell you a story about how I was given a second chance to live.

As you all know, life is full of surprises. Some are full of joy and happiness, but on the other hand, some are full of sorrow. From my 19 years of living, life really does surprise you when you least expect it.

On may 4th of 2017, it started out as another lazy morning. I remember waking up around 7AM just to have enough time for me to get to my morning classes. I wasn't feeling the need to look pretty so I decided to wear my favorite comfy outfit, which is wearing an oversized red sweatshirt, adidas trackpants, and my adidas slides. I do not drive for now, but I do take the public transportation to get to where I need to go. I also remembered that it was one of my good friend's birthday so I made sure to wish him a good one.

As the day went on, me and my two friends decided to go eat out. (Won't be sharing details about my two friends condition, the fault of the accident, & where it was taken place at) However, things turned out upside down. I woke up on the ground feeling paralyzed, not knowing what happened until I heard an unknown man next to me saying, "You're going to be okay. You and your friends just got into a car accident. We are getting your friends out the car right now. Hang in there okay!" I was shocked. I couldn't believe what I was hearing at that moment. Even though, I heard the loud sirens of ambulances and police cars, I kept telling myself "this must be a dream". However, this particular dream became a living nightmare when I first saw my close friend being taken in the ambulance.

When the paramedics came to pick me up, I could feel the unbearable aching pain somewhere in my body. There was just too much going on in my mind at that moment. I was scared to death, thinking that I wouldn't get to wake up tomorrow. I was scared to think that this is the last chapter of my life. The more that I kept thinking about my mother and my boyfriend, the more I was begging for another chance to live. I don't know if I was crying on the way to the hospital but I was for sure screaming out the words, "please save me!"

The moment I arrived at the hospital, I was transferred to another bed. A nurse quickly asked me questions such as my name and the names of my friends since I believe that I was the only one awake at that time.

The hardest part of this traumatic event was confronting my mother. The moment she rushed in crying, I burst out into tears, telling her how sorry I am. Before I could tell her that I love her, I kept apologizing to her for being in this situation. It was the most heartbreaking moment between me and my mother. I still do not forgive myself for scarring her. However, I was grateful to god for allowing me to have a few minutes with her before they rushed me into the surgery room.

I woke up the next day in the ICU room, which stands for "Intensive Care Unit". A close friend of mine told me the stories where my loved ones came to see me but I was still highly sedated. She told me how devastated my mother was and how she was extremely worried, thinking that I would wake up not remembering who I am. I do not remember clearly but the moment I woke up, I saw my mother next to me. I couldn't speak for a few days because I had a breathing/feeding tube in my mouth. Also, I couldn't eat properly for weeks because I'd start feeling nauseous right away. Due to the tube I had in my mouth, I slowly gestured to my mom, telling her that I wanted to communicate by writing. So then, she got me a book and a pen. I wasn't sure at that time what went wrong in my body but I was able to use my right hand to write. What I remember writing the most was telling my mom to get my makeup bag; she thought that I was crazy and finally let out a laugh.

After spending a few days in the ICU room, they finally transferred me to the trauma recovery unit where I spent a few weeks there. Although I survived through this horrific car accident, I felt like I was a dead person in the hospital. I hated the fact that I was awake while my friends were in coma. There was never a day where I wasn't crying or screaming. Later on when I found out what went wrong to my body due to the car accident, I was heartbroken.

The dressings that the nurses had to do on my stomach were extremely painful. I had to get blood clot shots every day and night, which went on for 3 1/2 months. Also, I wasn't used to taking multiple pills throughout the day. The most embarrassing part is having to wear a catheter for a long period. Due to the fact that I had to wear a catheter, I ended getting multiple urine infections. When I was transferred to a nursing skilled facility for a month, I had to be straight-cath every 4 hours, which was extremely painful. However, it was changed to every 6 hours due to swelling.

As days went by, I became more anxious and suicidal. Whenever I saw myself in the mirror, I saw the misery on my face. There were days where I became violent and where I was rude to the doctors, cnas, and the nurses. I didn't realized that I was unable to walk until I started doing therapy at the nursing skilled facility. At that moment, I let depression completely take over me. No one was able to cheer me up no matter how hard they tried. I was heartbroken to accept the fact that at the age of 19, I will become disabled. There were a few days where I became insane due to the amount of frustration of not being able to move independently. I remember clearly that I'd always cry myself to sleep and then still wake up feeling empty. The sadness that I hold inside me was slowly killing me because I kept asking myself "why me?" I couldn't stop thinking about the car accident for months and I kept counting my regrets instead of my blessings. The number 1 question that the nurses would ask me was"on the scale 0-10, how would you rate your pain" and I'd always answer back saying 5-8 but I couldn't tell them that most of the pain was coming from my heart.

To be honest, I couldn't continue to pretend that I was okay anymore.

*I will be posting part two later this week! Thank you taking the time to read!*

-Phurbu